Daddy I Want

Camp Granada

2011-06-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

As always, the cast of characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 9
The Butterfly: Age 7
The Darling Wife

Girl Scout Camp!

The Bean and The Butterfly are excited to be going to Day Camp at Camp S'mores. Swimming, crafts, canoeing, and bonding. What's not to love?

I pick them up promptly at 3:30. Well, sort of promptly. Even still, they're not the last children to be claimed. This is good.

And the girls pile into my car. All excited and giddy to tell me what they did and who they saw. Right?

Well, The Bean burst into tears. She won't tell me why, but The Butterfly points to a red wristband around The Bean's tiny wrist. "That means she can't swim," The Butterfly explains.

This is curious because The Bean loves to swim. She'd swim everyday if given the chance.

"Why do they think you can't swim?" I ask.

"She wouldn't take the swim test," The Butterfly chirps. "That's why they think she can't swim."

The Bean glares.

"Maybe it will get better tomorrow," I offer.

"There isn't going to be a tomorrow."

The DW has already paid for this week and next. This wouldn't be good.

Fast Forward, The DW is home and she is angry. The Butterfly has joined the chorus of "Never Going Back Again".

The Butterfly rants and drops the 'S' bomb. "The crafts are stupid. They are for babies. They're not challenging enough for me." She runs crying from our kitchen.

The Next Day, The Bean and The Butterfly are dragged kicking and screaming into our Mini-Van.

When I go to pick them up, they are nowhere to be seen.

"We can't get them out of the pool."

Kooky Monster

2011-05-19T14:12:00.000-07:00

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 9
The Butterfly: Age 7
The Darling Wife

On those rare occasions where I have an actual job-job, it tends to be something out of town. This is particularly hard on The Bean and The Butterfly.

I'll typically be gone 4-5 days a week. This could last for several weeks at a time. Or months.

Because of this schedule, I will often be at work until after 8 o'clock. This makes talking to the girls difficult because I bump up against their bedtimes.

Surely, I could take minute out of work to talk to the girls, right? Sadly, it doesn't always work that way.

So, while I'm busy being worker bee, a coworker made time for his daughter several times a day in 15 minute intervals. Right in earshot of the rest of us.

How sweet, you think. His daughter is more important to him than work. Clearly, hearing his voice brightens his little girls day.

However.

His daughter is only seven months old.

He sings that "Poppa's Gonna Buy You a Mockingbird" song. He's memorized a children's picture book called "Bubbles" which he happily recites several times per phone call - "Bubbles, bubbles on my nose. Bubbles, bubbles on my toes." You get the idea.

He makes animal sounds, some of which I am at a loss to identify.

But still, I wonder, is he forming an unbreakable bond with this girl, regardless of her young age? Will his pure joy equate to joy from his daughter?

Or is he just nuts?

Asperger's Syndrome

2011-05-02T20:59:00.000-07:00

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 9
The Butterfly: Age 7
The Darling Wife

A lot of my blog has revolved around looking at the humorous meltdowns The Butterfly experiences. I'm going to be upfront about this: The Butterfly is the same little girl she was before a couple of diagnoses.

I will still tease her, and hopefully won't discount her silliness altogether. She is a very silly Butterfly, after all.

Asperger's Syndrome is in the spectrum of autism. It means she can focus hard on some things while losing track of others. She tends to get obsessive about toys or television shows, and miss out on other opportunities surrounding her.

BTW - Fishhooks is more annoying than Dora. Be forewarned. And I never thought it possible to hate Scooby Doo.

The Butterfly has been diagnosed with Asperger's by one doctor. She has been deemed obsessive-compulsive by another. In any event, there is something going on with her meltdowns other than her just being a pill.

However, now that her condition has at least a couple of names, we know better how to respond to her. When she's upset and tells us how she hates us, we know that it's not true. It's just how she feels inside and we can do all we can to understand and quell her fears.

One thing about her is how she feels empathy. When Edward Scissorhands was left alone at the end of the film, she cried. Ditto with Puff the Magic Dragon - Puff Piece.

We really don't know how to tell her she's different or even if we should tell her.

All we know is we love her all the same, be it Asperger's or Obsessive Compulsive or nothing, nothing at all.

She's still the same little Butterfly and we wouldn't change one little thing about her.

Sharks vs. Jets

2011-03-06T21:16:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife
Guest Starring: The Bee (their cousin)
Guest Starring: My Sister, The Bee's Mother

The Bean has three favorite holidays:

Christmas
Bean Day (she was born the day after Christmas)
Halloween

The first two are self explanatory. What kid doesn't love Christmas and her Birthday?

Halloween, however, is something The Bean gets really into.

She always wants to dress the Villain. One year, she was the White Witch from the Narnia movies. Another she was Catwoman.

Check that, she was Julie Newmar as Catwoman.

This year, she decked herself out as the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland.

"Off with your head," she would say.

This didn't sit well with some of the neighborhood girls. They were princesses and Disney characters and female Superheroes.

Was there really a Spidergirl?

Anyway, these girls didn't appreciate the fact that The Bean was dressed as their enemy. She ostracized her. They pointed their fingers. They said mean things.

The Bean cried as she is wont to do. This did not sit well with The Butterfly.

The Butterfly and two other seven-year-old girls confronted those who upset her sister.

This is where my words will fail to capture the drama and hilarity of the situation. You're just going to have to use your imagination.

The Butterfly was decked out as Tinkerbell. She had wings and a pointed wand with a star at its tip.

She approached the girls with The Bee and another girl flanked on her side. She poked the leader of The Teasers in the chest with her wand.

The leader of The Teasers did not back down. She had the numbers. She had three flanked at her side.

The Butterfly was talking what can only be referred to as smack. "Don't mess with my sister," she warned.

My sister, The Bee's mother, intervened. There was not going to be a seven-year-old rumble on her watch.

I'm a bad Dad. I sort of wanted to see what would happen.

You Can't Leave Your Hat On

2010-08-26T14:10:00.000-07:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

Back to school; back to reality.

I returned Sunday night from a Writer's Retreat called Killer Nashville. It's all about writing mystery thrillers about psycho killers and serial murderers.

Not exactly what I write about. But grand fun all the same.

Especially, the Cadaver Dogs.

Kayso I get home on Sunday night and The Bean and The Butterfly are excited about their back-to-school clothes.

The Butterfly sports a shirt with a HUGE Butterfly on the side. It sort looks like she's being pollinated.

The Bean wears a little Catholic School Girl skirt with a matching Plaid Newsboy Hat.

I think I found the exact hat on the Internet!!!

I think I spelled 'Plaid' correctly!!!

Kayso, she's pretty psyched about this new outfit, especially the hat.

Personally, I have learned to NEVER TRUST GIRLS IN HATS.

But that's just me.

Apparently, The Bean's school shares a similar feeling about hats. They won't let her wear her hat in class.

But she's cool with that. Because she's cool.

Another Milestone

2010-08-09T22:21:00.000-07:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

The Bean is far braver than I.

Having grown up in the 80's, I tried (and often failed) to be fashion forward.

Or, at least, fashion current.

I owned Parachute Pants back when they were in style (barely).

Damn, I was cool.

But The Bean passed another Little Girl rite this Saturday. She got her ears pierced.

I neither had the stomach nor the charisma to pull off pierced ears. What if it hurt? What if I was permanently damaged. What if I did it and it ceased being cool?

What if Johnny Depp didn't make 20 Pirates of the Caribbean movies?

So I wussed on getting an earring. The Bean did not.

She held onto the DW's hand and grimaced a little. But before you knew it, both ears were donned with shiny blue glass.

She gleamed brighter than the faux stones ever could.

The Butterfly doesn't want her ears pierced. Ever.

I tell her that when she's ready, I'll do it with her.

I hope that Johnny Depp makes a lot of Pirate films.

Dog Pizza

2010-08-02T21:41:00.000-07:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife
The Buffett Dog!!!

The Buffett Dog (!!!) celebrated his first birthday in style. His cousin Bolt was on hand, and he got a good run on the beach.

And he got his very own special treat - a Dog Birthday Cake - which kinda ended up looking like a pizza. Hint - the Pepperoni-looking things are actually Canine Canadian Bacon.

They look yummy.

They're not.

Anyway, Buffett is beside himself. He woofs (sorry) down the Doggie Cake and happily goes to play outside.

It is about 95 degrees at the beach. Buffett is in full winter coat. So he starts to shed.

A lot.

Combing the fur is tranquil to the DW. It's like crack. The more she brushes, the more tufts come out.

End of Day One - Buffett is minus enough hair to make another whole dog.

End of Day Two - More of the same

End of Day Three - More of the same

End of Day Four - The DW has gone entirely mental. Her black jeans are covered in golden-blonde doggie cast-offs.

She looks like a crazy cat lady.

You know, except with dogs.

Ballet Moms Go Berserk

2010-07-06T21:05:00.000-07:00

s always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

Getting into Miss Mary’s ballet class is akin to getting into Yale. There is a long waitlist.

Last year, The Darling Wife arose herself at 5 AM on a Saturday to sign the girls, The Bean and The Butterfly up for ballet.

She was number 86 in line.

So this year, the DW had a plan. Camping out.

Insane. Right?

So this year, she leaves the house at four in the afternoon and arrives at the studio. She is number 36 in line.

36?

Yes, 36.

She has a laptop computer in tow. A cooler filled with the basic necessities of the Atkins Diet – some kind of meat and some kind of cheese. And a stack of books to read. None of which were written by Yours Truly.

Rrrr.

There are men camping as well. She will mention to me later that it was sexy for them to have camped out for their daughters.

Great.

The men, it seems, have brought a poker table and beer and cigars. The other mommies are sipping Chardonnay in Styrofoam coffee cups.

The DW is lacking in wine. This will not stand.

So she calls my Dad. “Please bring me some wine,” she says.

Apparently, it’s too much trouble to stop at a store, so he brings her the best French wine he has.

“Thank you,” the DW says. “This is for your granddaughters,” she reminds him.

This all happens around 7:00. The mommies are already restless. They are jockeying for position, quizzing each other as to which classes their precious pumpkins are enrolling in.

The man at the front of the line will have none of it. “I’m not supposed to say a word,” he says.

The night eventually passes. A bottle of French wine bites the dust. Mommy bonding occurs.

And despite the incredible odds, The Bean and The Butterfly land in Miss Mary’s class.

And ballet Dads are sexy…

…still can’t get past that one.

The Bride

2010-06-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

My cousin got married on the Seagrove beach last week. It was the first wedding The Bean and The Butterfly. attended.

It was a beautiful ceremony on the non-oil soaked beach along the Florida Panhandle.

And the Groomsman got to wear Tommy Bahama shirts and linen pants. And no shoes.

Sweet!

The reception was very nice as well. And The Bean was taking notes.

"I want to sit next to her," says The Bean. "I want to be near the Bride."

"But Bean," I say, "she needs to sit next to her husband."

"I can sit on the other side," she says.

I agree to let her walk over and see The Bride up close. She considers this to be a good compromise.

The Bean is wearing the second best dress in the room - white linen with a little tie in the back.

She looks good and she knows it.

The Bean inserts her cute self into the wedding party.

Pictures are taken and she has the biggest smile you've ever seen.

The Bean at a wedding.

Yikes!

Flash Forward

2010-05-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

The Bean had her First Communion last Sunday.

She was decked out in a beautiful white dress, complete with white High Heels and a Veil.

Yes, a Veil.

She was absolutely stunning, A Vision of loveliness, looking much older than I wanted to admit.

At one time, we walked down the center aisle of the church with her little hand in mine.

And I get choked up. Big Time.

Walking her down the aisle evoked a frightening feeling in me. It was as if I was giving her away.

I get choked up. Fragments of tears appear in my eyes. I don't want to give my baby away.

But she's beaming her wonderful smile. "Daddy," she asks, "Are you OK?"

I nod that I am, but I am not.

"It's OK, Daddy," she says. "You won't have to do this again for a long time."

I smile. "I hope not," I say.

She motions for me to bend down so she can kiss my cheek. "See, Daddy," she says. "It will all be all right."

I tell her the car will be full of gas when that day comes. She pretends to understand.

"Don't cry on my dress," she advises. "I want to look perfect."

And she does.

The Butterfly...Live at Budokan

2010-05-03T06:20:00.000-07:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

The Buffett Puppy

We've enrolled The Bean and The Butterfly in an after-school program called Budokan.

It's a Martial Arts-style program where the girls go and do their homework, then learn Aikido.

Aikido is, apparently, where you learn to hit people with sticks.

The Bean and The Butterfly are getting pretty good at hitting people with sticks.

Why, you may be asking, would we want them to learn to hit people with sticks?

"It's for their self esteem," The DW says.

I must admit, hitting people with sticks does sound like fun. I could probably make a list.

However, I'm not sure why we want The Butterfly to hit anything, with sticks or otherwise.

Case and point. When we good to the grocery, The Butterfly likes to carry things.

Last time, she carried a 20 pound bag of dog food through the parking lot.

That is more than 1/3 of her weight.

That's scary. Army Ant scary.

So, The Butterfly is carrying this 20 pound bag of dog food through the lot. It's cute. I laugh.

Other people fail to see the humor though. They flash me dirty looks.

So I try to take it away. "Daddy," she says, "I got this one."

And why do I want The Butterfly to learn to hit people with sticks?

The Dog Did My Homework

2010-04-22T09:16:00.000-07:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

The Buffett Puppy

The DW and I were watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution last night.

I do a mean impression of Jamie Oliver.

"I'm a chef. I have an accent. You should listen to me."

I actually have the impression down pretty good.

The DW and I are watching how the Fattest City In America deals with The Naked Chef. And are actually interested.

But then The Bean comes down the stairs. She has forgotten to do her homework.

It's math. About using big numbers between 300 and 200.

She has to write a story about an ambulance driving past things.

We settle on dogs, cats, birds and people.

The Bean doesn't know how to spell 'birds'.

"B-i" she says, and trails off.

"What letter comes next?" I ask.

She isn't sure.

The Buffett puppy barks. "Ruff", he barks.

"Is it an 'r', Daddy?"

I smile. "Yes, Bean, it is."

Beach Music

2010-04-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

The Buffett Puppy

Just so you know, the Buffett puppy is a Golden Retriever. His real name is Beach Music.

He has never been to the Beach nor has he shown any particular affinity towards Music; however it is all a matter of time.

So last week, we loaded the Minivan (yes, a Minivan - sorry if that shattered your impression of me) and took Buffett to the Beach.

Crate time for 6+ hours went better than expected. The Bean and The Butterfly were watching a kid movie called Hotel for Dogs on the Minivan's DVD player.

I suspect Buffett was watching as well.

Buffett did not know what to make of the Beach. He walked close to the water, then retreated as the tide came in.

Kind of like one of those birds.

But after a short while, he caught on. He dashes out into the sea and emerges minutes later covered in saltwater and sand.

Happy Puppy!

Dirty Puppy as well.

When it's time to leave, our Puppy is filthy. His lustrous toasted-marshmallow coat is awash of brown sand.

And he smells. A lot.

So we have to give him a thorough bath when we return to Beach House.

And those dreaded Georgia mosquitoes are out in force.

For those of you who don't know, Georgia has two types of mosquitoes - the kind small enough to navigate through a screen door, and the kind big enough to open it.

And they bite. The DW and I end up covered in red welts as we dry him off.

But we have a very Happy Puppy. And that's all that matters.

About The Doughnut

2010-04-05T11:39:00.000-07:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

The Buffett Puppy

As I wrote in Ballet Hair, I am utterly useless when it comes to anything hair related. All of my her fled my head prematurely (at least in my eyes), and the cool coif I used to wear is now about six inches short of a Comb Over.

That's right. Even if I wanted a Comb Over, I couldn't grow one.

But still.

So, I wasn't exactly looking forward to Ballet Hair and Make Up Day at the Studio.

Where in my Daddying contract does it state, that I should learn how to put make up on my little angels? Certainly, this falls in the Mommying category.

Yet still, there I am, sitting on the floor learning about bobby pins and rouge and covering up eye brows so that they can be drawn back in.

This doesn't make an awful lot of sense to me. But then I'm a Daddy. A lot of things don't make an awful lot of sense to me.

There are Ballet Doughnuts. Two kinds it turns out. Those that are rubber and those that are foam. God help you if you buy the rubber kind. Apparently, that causes Worst Hair Ever. And seeing as how I have a head start on Worst Hair Ever, I'm a Foam Man.

The Butterfly is not so sure. She raises her hand. "About the doughnut," she asks. "Can I see it?" she asks.

The doughnut is passed around the room. To The Butterfly's disappointment, the doughnut has nothing to do with actual doughnuts.

Probably a good thing to. I wouldn't want a Krispy Kreme in my hair. Then again, I don't have any hair.

The Bean's class is entirely different. It's about make up.

There are eyebrow pencils. And rouge. And mascara. And eye shadow. Everything needed to "tart up" my 8-year-old Bean.

I'll admit it. I kind of glazed over this class. Didn't pay attention much. Entertained The Butterfly. Basically, watched the clock.

The Bean loved the make up. So she put on her own.

Mascara. Only Mascara. All over her entire face.

"Do I look beautiful?" she asks.

"Not especially," I reply.

She pouts. "Well, if you'd learn to do this, then I would not have tried myself."

Point made.

But I'm still way in over my head. And I don't even have any hair to shield the blow.

Tourette's at 30,000 Feet

2010-03-16T16:48:00.000-07:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

The Buffett Puppy

So, I'm traveling again. Flying weekly to the middle of Massachusetts. Away from the DW. Away from The Bean and The Butterfly.

Flying out of the lovely Hartsfield-Jackson airport is always a challenge. Especially when all the flights from the previous day were canceled. Especially when you miss your flight.

All of the flights to Boston were booked. For the entire day. Tomorrow wasn't looking any better. Stranded in Atlanta? I can think of worse fates.

I'd just go home. Hang out with The Bean. Play with The Butterfly. Spend a quality Sunday with the fam.

The DW was having none of it. "How did you miss your flight?"

I explain that I thought I was on a later one.

The DW is unimpressed. "Didn't you check your itinerary?" she asks.

"Apparently not," I reply.

"Well, you better figure out a way to get there."

I finagle a flight to Manchester, NH. At 8:30 PM. It was around 2 PM when I finagled it.

So time passes like molasses. At last the hour nears.

I settle into my seat and start to drift off. "Pretzels!" somebody calls.

"Popcorn!" she yells again.

I momentarily think I'm at a Sporting Event. But she never calls 'Beer!"

It turns out that three rows ahead of her, some guy is playing Family Feud on his computer. She's volunteering answers. FROM THREE ROWS BACK.

Turns out I was the only one trying to sleep. The entire cabin got into the act.

Ain't traveling glam?

Daddy - Daughter Dance

2010-03-07T13:53:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

The Buffett Puppy

Every year or so, there is a night where the Daddies dress up and take their daughters to a ball.

The theme this year was "A Night in Central Park". The Bean and The Butterfly looked beautiful in their Princess-style dresses. The men were all wearing ties.

Yes, ties.

All except for yours truly, who has all but forgotten to tie a tie.

Pre-party, I take the girls to Benihana. The Butterfly hates Japanese food.

Except she doesn't. She has yet to meet a Chicken Tempura she didn't like.

She eats all of her chicken and a half plate of Fried Rice. And Ice Cream. A big bowl of Ice Cream.

We get to the party and their are pony-drawn carriages that clop across the parking lot.

"Where do the horses go potty?" wonders a curious Bean.

She is informed that the horses are wearing diapers. She makes a face.

"Are the diapers, like, full?"

She is informed that they are.

"That is so gross!" I am inclined to agree.

We hit the Dance Floor and The Bean wants to dance. She wants to be spun around just like the Princesses in the Disney movies.

The Butterfly, however, does not. She wants to wrap herself around my leg and hide.

But then a song called "Cotton Eyed Joe" comes on. The Butterfly apparently likes then song. She jumps ON THE STAGE and DANCES.

The Butterfly is following in her Daddy's footsteps.

I've never met a stage I didn't like.

But I can't help but wonder. What exactly is a Cotton Eyed Joe?

But Beanie, It's Cold Outside

2010-03-01T18:44:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

The Buffett Puppy

OK, so now it snows in Atlanta. Pretty sure that wasn't in the brochure.

But in Atlanta, when the first flake of the first flurry drifts innocently through the sky, the entire city shuts down.

This means SNOW DAY for the younger set, The Bean and The Butterfly included.

The DW goes to work. She is a Super Trouper. Yes, I mean that in ABBA sort of way.

But The Bean and The Butterfly are strangers to snow. They throw on their thick winter coats. And their Crocs.

Yes, their Crocs.

They want to make Snow Angels in the very place that The Buffett Puppy makes his poo patties.

Poop Angels?

And now I will attempt to channel Dean Martin. With apologies, of course, to Dean Martin.

Daddy, we want to play

(But Beanie, it's cold outside)

It's a beautiful day

(But Beanie, it's cold outside)

The snow is a-falling

(But Beanie, it's cold outside)

The snow is a-calling

(But Beanie, it's cold outside)

It all looks so nice

(But Beanie, it's as cold as ice)

The flakes fall like rice

(But Beanie, that doesn't make any sense)

Daddy, put on your sweats

(But Beanie, it's so cold and wet)

And look for my hat

(But Beanie, I don't want to do that)

Daddy, let's go!

(But Beanie, it's cold outside)

Let's play in the snow!

(But Beanie, it's cold outside)

DADDY, LET'S GO PLAY IN THE SNOW!!!!

So, we play in the snow.

And it's cold outside.

Upon the Kitty Catwalk

2010-02-25T11:04:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

The new job has begun. And once again, I take to the skies.

I'll be traveling to beautiful Leominster, Massachusetts for the next six months - Sunday night to Thursday night out of town. Away from The DW. Away from The Bean and The Butterfly.

When I'm not writing blogs and when I'm not unemployed, I work with large computer systems. Payroll systems.

Yes, Payroll systems.

Shatter your image of me?

The Bean loves talking on the phone, so my being away is sort of a treat for her. When she turned 7, we bought her a Barbie telephone. She knows my cell number.

"Daddy," she says into her pink receiver, "are you writing more books?"

I am, in fact, writing a book. But not a kid's book.

Imagine a really dark thriller. Only darker.

"You should write another Daddy, I Want book."

I agree that I should.

"Maybe this time Lily (the character in my books based on The Bean) can be in a Fashion Show."

"OK."

"And, of course, she wins."

"Of course."

"It can be called Daddy, I Want to be a Supermodel."

I tell her that I'll write more kid's books as soon as The DW starts to illustrate them.

The Bean takes it upon herself to torment her Mother about this.

I expect to catch hell when I get home.

Crocodile Tears

2010-02-18T09:12:00.001-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

The Stay-At-Home-Dad is about to be employed. This is generally a good thing. The DW thinks so anyway.

However, this SAHD has grown accustomed to spending a lot of time with The Bean and The Butterfly. I've been trying to spend extra time with them, knowing the clock is ticking on my one on one time with them.

Two years ago, I accepted an assignment in Australia. I was away from home for six months, and with the 13 hour time difference, our contact was pretty sporadic. The Bean asked The DW if Daddy was dead.

When I returned, I took some time off. I wrote a few children's books and finished that novel which was stored in a computer folder called 'Unfinished Opuses'.

Oh, and I started a blog. But you probably already knew that.

This new job will send me on the road again, but thankfully, not for six months at a time.

I'm rejoining the workforce as a "Road Warrior". That means every Sunday, I'll fly to Boston and return every Thursday.

The Butterfly doesn't quite comprehend this. She thinks I'm going away again.

I soothe her the best I can. I tell her it won't be like before. I point to a map so she can see that Massachusetts is much closer than Australia. I explain that she'll see me every weekend. This calms her down.

A little.

A bribe is in order. "Now that Daddy has a job," I say, "I can take you to the Disney store."

She sniffs and decides that this is probably all right.

"I'll miss you Daddy," she sniffs.

Not as much as I'll miss you. Thank God for Skype.

The Super Bowl Isn't Super

2010-02-11T07:03:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

My sister threw a Super Bowl party. It involved watching the game, eating too much, and watching commercials. Her husband is a great cook, so I was all ready to claim a spot on the sofa.

The Bean and The Butterfly were excited about the party. The Butterfly, in particular. She made a Happy Birthday card for The Bee (my sister's redheaded offspring).

Trouble is, The Bee's birthday is not in February. It's in August.

Undaunted, The Butterfly makes the card. "Here Bee," she says upon arrival. "Happy Birthday!"

"It's not my birthday."

"Oh. Then why is there a party?"

The Bee says, "It's so we can watch commercials."

The Butterfly is confused. "We don't watch commercials at home. We fast-forward them."

"We do that too. But these are special commercials."

"Oh." The Butterfly watches a few commercials. It becomes apparent that these are not special commercials. "I'm bored. Let's play Barbies.

So maybe the commercials weren't all that special. But my little girls are.

Daddy, I Want to Go to School

2010-02-05T06:49:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

The Bean had her 8-year-old check up last week. We learned how tall she was, how little she weighed, and that she can take two shots and a finger prick without breaking into hysterics.

Funny side note on this - they asked her to pee in a cup, which despite it being 'Gross', she performed without too much hassle. Then she flushed the contents and had to do it all over again.

But this blog is about The Butterfly. The Butterfly became sick the day before the appointment, so I could take them both at the same time. Convenient.

The Butterfly was happy. She was bouncing off the wall. Not looking sick at all. This always happens when I take her to the Doctor.

The Doctor asks her to look stick out her tongue. The Butterfly sticks out her tongue. The Doctor asks her to grip her finger. I think I hear knuckles cracking. Strong Butterfly.

The Doctor does that thing with the Stethoscope where she's supposed to take deep breaths.

"Your daughter may have pneumonia," announces The Doctor. "But she looks pretty good for someone with pneumonia."

Thanks? I guess?

She prescribes some kind of antibiotic that tastes like Medicine-flavored Bubble Gum.

'Yuck,' says The Butterfly.

So, The Butterfly is rewarded with every child's dream - getting to stay home from school. For like a week.

Grammy weighs in. "She's in Kindergarten. It's not like she's going to get behind on her coloring."

But as The Butterfly gets better, she gets bored. If she's sick, she's only allowed to do 3 things:

1. Watch TV
2. Color (We really don't want her getting behind.)
3. Sleep

She wants to play - she gets a shot of Motrin and is sent to bed. She wants to jump - she gets a shot of Motrin and is sent to bed. She wants to run around the house - you get the idea.

Finally, last night she announces that she actually wants to go to school. Bored Little Butterfly.

I'm not sure I've ever seen a 6-year-old want to go to school.

She must fear she'll get behind on her coloring.

And be far away from The Medicine-flavored Bubble Gum.

Ghost Stories

2010-02-02T08:50:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

Christmas at Ito and Ita's. 'Ito' is short for Abuelito and 'Ita', for Abuelita. These words mean 'grandfather' and 'grandmother' on Peruvian side of the family.

Ito and Ita were thoughtful enough to use shorthand so when The Bean and The Butterfly were two, they didn't need grammar lessons to address the DW's parents.

So, Christmas at Ita's. The DW's sister has made her semiannual emergence from the Great White North of Minnesota. She brings even less frequent Husband as well as her children.

I haven't come up with cute, random nicknames for my nieces. Probably because I don't see them very often.

My other niece is there as well. We call her The Bee. She is the same age as The Butterfly.

So, we have five little girls in the house, ranging in age from 5 to 7. They do the logical thing. They tell Ghost Stories.

The Bean tells them her way.

"Once upon a time in a magic kingdom*," she starts,"there was a Princess named Bean."

Only The Bean would cast herself as The Princess in a Ghost Story.

The Bean tells her story. She triumphs over The Ghost in the end.

The Butterfly gets a turn to spin a yarn. "Once upon a time in a magic kingdom," she says, "there was a Butterfly. And a Princess named Bean."

The Bean sure has the other girls drinking The Bean Kool-Aid.

*Given my propensity of using Random Caps, you may wonder why 'magic kingdom' is in Lower Case. This is because I fear the wrath of Disney Attorneys.

The Evil Seal

2010-01-28T22:39:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

With the DW out of town for ten days, the clock was running down on the girls needing baths.

They were getting a little ripe, to put it mildly. They were getting a little rank to put it more accurately.

The girls insisted on taking a bath in our bath tub. Check that, the DW's bath tub. It's Jacuzzi-styled with jets that blow the colored bubbles this way and that.

Colored water? Surely the kids were not that dirty.

Well, they weren't.

They have these little bath beadie things that dye the water when you drop them in. They look kind of like paintball pellets.

I sneak downstairs. It is not only 5 o'clock somewhere. It is 5 o'clock right here, right now.

I open a bottle of wine. I'm not even finished pouring a glass.

Screams from above. "Daddy!" The Bean screams. "Daddy!"

I dash up the stairs and find that The Bean has a bath toy stuck in her hair. It's one of those wind up toys where the flippers propel the toy through the water.

It's a seal. An Evil Seal.

It's an Evil Seal that has attacked The Bean's hair. It's all wound up in her hair and won't come out. It is, in fact, still spinning.

It's The Butterfly's Evil Seal toy. She looks sheepish.

But not really. She's six-years-old and has seen some pretty funny things in her time, but this tops the list.

Resolution - I cut The Bean's hair. She looks a little off-center now.

I try to discard The Butterfly's Evil Seal, but to no avail.

The Evil Seal lives, carrying a locket of Princess hair.

Remind Me Again How I Don't Like Mondays

2010-01-22T09:21:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

Each year, the DW makes a trek to Vegas for a Trade Show. She sets up the booth, irons the curtains and does pretty much whatever the Union lets her do.

This year she blew a fuse. The Union Electricians found this quite funny. They got straight to work solving her problem.

Right.

But I digress.

When the DW goes to this trade show, I take care of the The Bean and The Butterfly. With "Mama" out of town, I am met with predictable results.

The Bean handles this, for the most part, in stride. The Butterfly, now there's a different story.

The Butterfly is 6 years old, but still is in her "Mama" phase. She cries inconsolably. There is nothing I can do to calm her down.

Did I mention The DW is in Vegas? I think I did. Did I mention she was in Vegas for 10 days?

Can you say Sad Butterfly? Can you say Frazzled Daddy?

The Butterfly won't go to bed. She claims to be afraid of the dark, which she isn't. At least she doesn't claim to be afraid of buttons, like her cousin.

I strike a deal. She can keep the lights on in her room as long as she stays in her room. This is somehow acceptable.

The next morning, I'm having one of those dreams where the alarm is going off, but the noise is incorporated into my dream. I could have slept forever.

Except The Bean comes in and wakes he up. "Daddy!" she exclaims. "Wake up!"

Garble, garble, garble.

I buy time. "Go check on your sister."

The Bean vanishes and reemerges with the news. "She's asleep on the floor."

I shuffle into her room and gently shake her. "Butterfly," I say, "it's time to wake up."

No response.

"Really," I say a little more firmly. "Get up."

"No! It's still night time."

She has a point. It's about 6:40 and pitch black dark.

"It is morning. It's almost time for the bus. You need to get dressed."

"No!"

So with The Butterfly still asleep, I dress her. Her hair looks like, what's the word? Ragamuffin.

Meanwhile, The Bean is giving minute-by-minute time updates. "It's seven o'clock!" she calls. "Seven Oh One!"

We get to Stop (the hip name we've dubbed our bus stop) with seconds to spare. This was on a Monday. Only four more days this week.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Book Review - A Gift to My Children

2010-01-14T06:42:00.000-08:00

OK, so I'm a Sellout. But hey, Free Book!

I've been asked to write a review for A Gift to My Children: A Father's Lessons for Life and Investing.

When I was asked to do so, I was a bit intimidated. As the Author of Daddy I Want, I write predominantly humorous accounts of my own ineptitude as a Father and Husband. Jim Rogers, on the other hand, provides solid advice on how his daughters can grow both their wealth and their characters.

I am somewhat behind the curve.

I know zilch about Investing. I dabbled in tech stocks before the Dot.Com went Dot.Bust. By then, I was as lost as everyone else on the planet who bought IPO's of companies they'd never heard of and drooled over 3 for 1 stock splits.

I pulled what was left of my money from the market and invested in tangible things, like Dining Out and stocking the Wine Cellar.

I had doubts about reading the book as well. I didn't think I'd like it. But I did. A Lot.

I can honestly say that when I reached the end, I wanted to learn more. And not just about the Chinese economy. The wisdom he imparts on his young daughters may seem like Common Sense, but as Voltaire wrote - "Common Sense is not so Common."

He encourages his daughters to question everything. Conventional Wisdom reflects the past, and Truth lies in analyzing the present. The Future cannot be predicted, but History and its context with Current Events can make predictions quite reliable.

Jim Rogers is a Cowboy. He is a Rogue. He ran left when others ran right. He's motorcycled around the world earning Fortune and Fame. And now that he's retired at the ripe old age of 37!, his higher calling of raising two daughters.

Again, you can't predict the Future, but I wouldn't bet against these young girls.

They are going to be armed to the teeth.

Now if only I had a little money to invest in the Chinese economy.

New Years Eve - Take 2

2010-01-11T08:44:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

OK, so now I'm officially old.

For the first time in recent memory, the DW and I had no New Years Eve plans. Our typical festivities generally involved going to our friends Mountain House, drinking a lot of bubbly, and making big explosions with Contraband Fireworks in his driveway.

This wasn't on the table this year.

Instead, we had no plans. Thus, we attempted to make the best of it.

The Bean and The Butterfly made pizzas. They kneaded the dough, glopped pizza sauce, and covered it in cheese. They make a mean pizza.

OK, they make horrible pizzas, but they like them all the same. Or at least, pretend to.

I try to make Omaha Steaks. I mess these up pretty bad. Apparently, you're supposed to thaw them first.

I also try to make Omaha Steaks' Potatoes Au Gratin. Apparently, you're not supposed to thaw these.

The DW and I open Big Time Wine. A 15-year-old Napa Cabernet. The DW turns her nose up.

We watch a movie with the kids - Shrek XVII, I think.

When it's time for the ball to drop, The Bean and The Butterfly are screaming. At each other.

The DW makes us watch the Times Square Ball drop on Fox News. This I cannot explain.

The Bean is in hysterics. As the time winds down, she has locked herself in the pantry, desperately trying to find party hats. She emerges, finally, with leftover Tinkerbell hats from one of her birthday parties.

I snap one on.

We have TIVO'd the ball coming down, so The Bean and The Butterfly shout Happy New Year at around 12:07.

The DW misses this. She is fast asleep.

Bean Day

2009-12-29T10:54:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 8!
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

OK - I'm back. Sorry for the delay, holidays and all.

8 years ago on Christmas Day, the DW and I had agreed to host Christmas dinner. This was no small undertaking for us, considering that both sides of our family along with aunts, uncles, and sundry friends would be in attendance.

And the fact our house could probably qualify for Government Aid as a National Disaster Area.

But somehow, we had the house and the cookin' ready with a couple of hours to spare.

So, we decided to have a talk.

Did I mention that the DW was 7 months pregnant at the time?

Would she go back to work after The Bean was born? Would I try and get a job that didn't send me all over the world for extended periods? Could we even afford a baby?

These questions were left, predicatively, unanswered. Guests arrived. Pleasantries exchanged. Meals served.

The DW was feeling sick. Probably something I cooked.

She went to lie down.

Did I mention that the DW was 7 months pregnant at the time?

She didn't just lie down, of course. She went into labor. On Christmas Night.

An emergency C-Section was performed on the next day and the Bean came into the world at a stark 3 lbs. She had ten fingers and ten toes and was already perfecting the glare that only a little girl with the world's worst birthday could have.

Princess Paparazzi

2009-12-09T08:37:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

Apparently, you can get Disney Princess autographs.

The DW and I took The Bean and The Butterfly to Disney this Thanksgiving, eschewing extended family responsibilities.

The Bean and The Butterfly loved it. Particularly Epcot.

You can drink beers from around the world at Epcot. I did nothing to discourage their fondness of what was once considered the dullest of the theme park.

The Disney princesses would stand and people with their excited daughters would wait patiently in interminable lines for their turn to gather hugs and photo ops.

Pretty straight forward, right?

Wrong. The princesses worked a schedule with specific, hard-lined cut off points. You could wait patiently in the aforementioned interminable line, only to be cut off seconds before the hugs and photo ops could take place.

Ouch.

So what is a Superdad to do?

Wait 15 minutes in a line to see Sleeping Beauty, of course.

Here's the kicker, though. I was waiting in a line without a Princess.

She'd be right out, I was assured. So I waited in a line for no Princess at all.

For Sleeping Beauty, no less.

And she hated me.

But The Bean and The Butterfly got to see their Princess, and the DW brought me a beer from France.

Sometimes I love being Superdad.

Sleeping Beauty Woke Up on the Wrong Side of Bed

2009-12-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife

The DW and I took The Bean and The Butterfly to Disney this Thanksgiving. The girls, of course, had a blast. They met all of their favorite characters had them sign their autograph books.

My next post will address some of the Princess Stalking that we did, but for now, let's focus on Sleeping Beauty.

That wench.

Well, it's not like I didn't bring it on myself.

I stood in an empty line (again, more on that next week), and ushered my girls up to the front.

The Bean whispered something into Sleeping Beauty's ear.

Sleeping Beauty glared at me.

The Bean giggled.

Sleeping Beauty pointed at me. "I heard you downloaded a copy of my movie. And that it didn't work in your DVD player."

I had no response to that. "I have no response to that," I said.

The immortal words of The Alarm raced through my head.

I don't know why, no I don't understand
why you Sold Me Down the River...

I like that song. Maybe I should download it.

Just kidding RIAA.

Getting Mad About the Mouse

2009-11-23T12:26:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife
The Buffett Puppy

The DW has gotten a bee in her bonnet that we are blowing off Thanksgiving this year and going to see the Mouse.

The Bean and The Butterfly will be so excited! They will jump up and down! They will give us three cheers! Hip, hip, hooray!!!

Right?

Right?

No.

Not right.

The Bean immediately asks if we can bring Buffett. We tell her "No, Buffett will be staying at Grammy's house. The Bean's eyes swell. She starts to cry.

The Butterfly is confused by the arrangement. She thinks we are leaving right then. She disappears upstairs to pack.

We explain that we won't be leaving for, like, a week.

"NOOOOO!!!!!"

The Bean is now over the dog and is concentrating on the number of days we'll be there. We say 3 and she's furious. She wants 5.

Grammy has an expression she likes to toss around - "Ungrateful wretch". Fitting, no?

The DW has had about enough of this. She collars up Buffett and disappears into the night rain. The storm outside is nothing compared to the one brewing at our dinner table.

And I'm left with two "ungrateful wretches". I send them to their respective rooms. It's Monday and I have football to watch.

Drop Dead Gorgeous Part II

2009-11-17T10:17:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife
The Buffett Puppy
Guest starring Grammy and Grumps

The DW and I convinced The Bean to wear the pretty polka dot dress for the Nordstrom Fashion Show. She looked, of course, amazing. The Butterfly looked amazing as well.

Now would there be any unexpected catastrophes to unhinge the festivities?

Not really.

Many of the children had issues with the Catwalk. Some cried. Some hid. Some were too frightened to prance along the Red Carpet. One wouldn't leave the Red Carpet until she'd strutted her stuff 3 times.

The Butterfly in her Blue Cheetah dress was all business. She marched up and back down, blowing a single kiss to the DW as she returned behind the curtain.

The Bean walked out slowly, arm-in-arm with a crying girl. She hugged her and essentially drug her along the path. She did manage more than a few hair flips and and executed a perfect U-Turn at the end of the carpet. Her companion ceased her tears and wiggled along to the safety of the curtain.

So, nothing funny happened. A shame, really.

I was in a state of shock. How did The Bean manage to smile and wave at the crowd without pitching a fit?

The Bean learned a valuable lesson about being a child runway model. "You don't have to be happy," she explained. "You just have to pretend to be happy."

In the end, she liked the dress. And Grammy and Grumps were there to make sure she got to keep it.

Drop Dead Gorgeous Part I

2009-11-13T13:45:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife
The Buffett Puppy

Before I get started on this blog, I would like to thank all those who have become my readership. Daddy I Want... just exceeded 500 Facebook Fans. I am speechless.

Enough of that.

I am really good at picking out clothes. When I shop with the DW, it is me who scours the racks, pulling multiple colors and sizes, then finding matching accessories. I pick out nearly all her clothes.

The good ones, anyway.

Ahem.

So on Wednesday, I was presented with a new challenge - picking out clothes for The Bean and The Butterfly. They are supposed to be in a fashion show at Nordstrom, so they must look their best.

Am I becoming one of those Stage Moms, er, Dads?

I pick a navy blue dress a subdued leopard print for The Butterfly. She looks amazing in it. She says she looks like a Blue Cougar. I convince her that a Blue Cheetah might be more age appropriate.

For The Bean, I spy a brown strapless with a lilac polka dot pattern. Unfortunately, her heart is set on a pink dress. It's the kind of dress that a bridesmaid might wear. If 2nd graders could get married, she'd be ready to raise a Champagne flute of Sprite.

She likes Sprite. It fizzes.

She does not, it seems, like polka dots. When pressed for a reason, she counters with "They're not pink!".

The DW steps in. She talks to the lady at Nordstrom about maybe The Bean could wear the bridesmaid dress instead.

The Nordstrom lady says - - - - - "No."

The Bean hits the Catwalk tomorrow morning. As of right now, she doesn't know she'll be modeling a dress she hates.

Stay tuned for Part II.

Daddy I Want My Tooth Back

2009-11-11T10:21:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife
The Buffett Puppy

The Bean returned from school the other day as pleased as she could be. She showed me a small red box. Then, she showed me the contents of the box.

The Bean has lost a tooth. A canine,I think. I don't know much Biology. Or much about the French I took, for that matter.

When the DW comes home, The Bean is all smiles and pulling down her lip to highlight the new vacancy.

"I'm going to put this under my pillow," she announces, "and the Tooth Fairy will come and give me money."

The Bean and The Butterfly get off to bed, and now the scheming begins.

"OK, give me some money," says the DW. "It's time for the Tooth Fairy's visit."

I give her a look like a cartoon character without any money.

She sighs. "All I have is a twenty. The Bean is not getting a twenty. The tooth market is inflated enough as it is.

She has a very good point. The Bean and The Butterfly each get five dollars. Back in my day, I got a dollar. My parents were the proud recipient of a quarter.

I'm guessing their parents received a warm handshake.

So, we do the unthinkable. We snatch the tooth and replace it with a handwritten note. A Tooth Fairy IOU.

The next morning, The Bean brings me the paper and asks what an IOU is.

I explain that the Tooth Fairy must have run out of money and will be back tonight to "settle up".

The Bean is unimpressed. She wants her tooth back.

Collateral.

Worst. Halloween. Ever.

2009-11-02T09:09:00.000-08:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife
The Buffett Puppy
And guest starring, Halloween Griswold

The Bean has a thing for Halloween. She always wants to be the villain. Last year, she frightened the boys as Catwoman.

This year, she opted for the White Witch of Narnia. Why a cute little seven-year-old would opt for such an obscure costume is not exactly beyond me. I dressed as Alex DeLarge from A Clockwork Orange a few years back.

I temporarily glued my eye shut while applying a false eyelash.

But I digress.

The Bean dons the costume, complete with evil wand.

The DW fashions a crown out of poster board. This raises The Bean's height to about five-and-a-half feet tall.

She is scary. And nothing can scare her.

Except for possibly our neighbor. He takes Halloween seriously as well. Imagine Clark Griswold from Christmas Vaction, except he is trying to outdo his neighbors with Halloween decorations.

He has built a Haunted House in his front lawn, complete with chainsaw killers, axe murderers, strobe lights and a smoke machine.

Yes, a freaking smoke machine.

This already isn't the greatest Halloween night of all time. It is raining cats and dogs. The Trick-or-Treat baskets get filled with water, and the Bean's crown is soaked, causing it to droop over her eyes.

We arrive at the Haunted House and it becomes pretty clear, pretty fast that The Bean has no interest in going inside. Halloween Griswold is at the entrance, decked out in a full body gorilla suit and skull mask.

This scares The Butterfly greatly. She ain't going inside.

We ask The Bean to accompany her little sister in, but The Bean is crying hysterically. Her white makeup is running down her face.

She is inconsolable. Halloween Griswold steps outside and removes his mask. This, for some reason, does not seem to help.

The Bean's mean old Daddy won't let her have any candy unless she goes through, so we abandon this stop.

After about an hour, The Bean finally stops crying. She wants to try again, but only if I go with her, and only if I yell at Halloween Griswold.

So we try again. This time Halloween Griswold leaps through the door and startles The Fragile Bean.

More tears + more rain = Sad Bean.

Years from now, she will be talking to a therapist about the Worst. Halloween. Ever.

Daddy, Did Julie Newmar Marry Adam West?

2009-10-29T16:33:00.000-07:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife
The Buffett Puppy

Guest Starring: The Boyfriend

One of the first things the girls noticed about Australia is they only have 4 television stations. This made them homesick.

Where was Dora the Explora? Where were Max and Ruby? Where was Lazytown? Where were the Wiggles?

Actually, the Wiggles were there.

So through the wonders of YouTube, The Bean and The Butterfly were introduced to Batman. Not the tough, new gravelly-voiced Dark Knight. No, the 1960's camp-tastic Caped Crusader.

Holy Spandex, Batman.

The Bean fell in love with Catwoman. Check that, she wanted to be Catwoman.

Excerpts from an actual conversation -

Me: Who do you want to be for Halloween?

The Bean: Julie Newmar.

Yes, knew which Catwoman she wanted to be.

And as luck would have it, The Bean's boyfriend (gasp) was going to be Batman for Halloween. And he was not going as the tough, new gravelly-voiced Dark Knight. No, The Boyfriend was going as the 1960's camp-tastic Caped Crusader.

Pow!! Zap!! Crack!!

"Daddy, Did Julie Newmar Marry Adam West?"

Zoinks!!

One Batty Family

2009-10-26T13:57:00.000-07:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife
The Buffett Puppy

The DW is in the Halloween spirit. OK, The Bean and The Butterfly are in the Halloween spirit and The DW's just along for the ride.

We have spider web stuff on our bushes. Now that it's rained, it looks like someone rolled our house.

We have skeletons and witches pasted in our windows. At any given time, one or more of them could be drooping to the floor.

We have ghosts the size of shuttlecocks hanging from our trees. Some are about 3 feet off the ground. The Buffett Puppy hasn't noticed them yet, but he will.

And now for the bats -

The Butterfly has determined that bats are cuddly little creatures who wouldn't hurt a fly "except for that's what they eat".

The DW bought a set of 3 bats - one big, one medium & one small. "It's a bat family," The DW explains.

"Nnnooooooo!!!!" The Butterfly screams.

"Huh?"

"That's not a bat family!"

"Sure it is," The DW soothes. "See - Daddy, Mommy, Baby."

"That's not a bat family. The baby bat needs a baby sister."

Really?

"Baby Sister!! Baby Sister!! Baby Sister!!"

Back to Target it is...

Pop + Sizzle = Wrinkled Nose

2009-10-20T06:37:00.000-07:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife
The Buffett Puppy

When The Bean was but 1 years-old, I first exposed her to Coca~Cola.

Cautiously, she took a sip. You could tell that the carbonated bubbles were bursting inside her nose. She made a face.

Then she wanted more and more until I had to take it away from her. I thought better of a caffeinated 1 year-old on a sugar high.

At New Years Eve that year, I tried a similar experiment with Champagne.

The DW wasn't thrilled at the prospect of either a drunk or hungover 2-year-old. My argument that it was really good Champagne didn't stand up all that well.

Fast Forward.

We met Miss K, The Butterfly's Pre-K teacher out for dinner last week.

The reason Miss K had Pop Rocks with her in the first place is somewhat mysterious. The fact that The Bean and The Butterfly really liked them is less so.

I suggested to The Bean that she put a big handful in her mouth, then take a big swig of Sprite.

The DW glared.

Apparently, she didn't think that was such a good idea either.

Good thing I didn't suggest she chase them with Champagne.

Hmmm...

You're Not Paying Attention

2009-10-16T12:40:00.000-07:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife
The Buffett Puppy

Oh, the things we wish we could say...

For some reason, we went to a restaurant on a school night. We tend to avoid doing this because the DW works pretty long hours and The Bean and The Butterfly still insist on the full battery of computer time, television programs and lullabies.

But there we were awaiting appetizers and chocolate milks to be delivered to our table.

We weren't exactly getting world class service.

The Bean's Sprite tasted a lot like water. This is because it was water. So our waiter vanished from our view and returned utterly astonished that the offending H20 had not miraculously transformed to Sprite.

Water to wine I'll buy. But I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't do a lot with carbonated beverages.

The Butterfly let her opinion known. "He's not paying attention," she said. She didn't exactly whisper.

"Shhh!" said the DW.

"Why?" asked The Butterfly.

"It's impolite."

"But he is not paying attention."

"It's still impolite. What if he hears you and feels bad?"

"He won't hear me because he's not paying attention."

Game. Set. Match.

Now We Are Six

2009-10-13T05:31:00.000-07:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife
The Buffett Puppy

In a previous post - You're Not Coming to My Birthday Party - The Butterfly announces that The Bean isn't invited to her party. Yes, she's going to have a party at one of those jumpy-around places while The Bean is to sit at home and cry and not go to the jumpy-around place and have cake. In this scenario, The Bean will wish she was a better big sister.

That was The Butterfly's plan.

However, The Butterfly realized that there would be less presents if The Bean was not in attendance. Surely an exception could be made, even for the most horrible of Beans.

It should be noted that The Bean and The Butterfly are generally simpatico. They play together daily. They sit together on the bus. They hold occasional sleepovers in one another's room, although these don't always go so well.

But still.

The Butterfly is now 6 years-old and knows where her bread is buttered. It would upset Grammy greatly if The Bean were denied entrance to the festivities. It might even result in getting a lesser birthday gift.

And we can't have that.

So The Butterfly bites the bullet. She sacrifices a slab of cake and a juice box for one more wrapped box with frilly ribbon added to her stash. She wants one more Barbie added to the collection.

So The Butterfly is nice. For about 48 hours. Once the party is over and the loot collected, she reminds The Bean what a horrible big sister she is. She informs The Bean that these are HER toys and there will be NO sharing.

The Butterfly had discovered a loophole in the process.

God save us if she becomes a lawyer.

You Can Do Magic

2009-10-08T10:52:00.000-07:00

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 5
The Darling Wife
The Buffett Puppy

About 3 years ago, we were at a Wendy's somewhere between Helen, GA and civilization. And The Bean was on a tear.

She had been introduced to the concept of the Frosty a time or two before, so she was pretty focused on getting one. Not focused enough to eat any chicken nuggets or even French Fries with extra ketchup. But focused all the same. This was driving the DW crazy.

Like a lot of restaurants, Wendy's takes the opportunity to take easy listening rock, such as Dan Fogelberg or Fleetwood Mac, and make them even easier listening by stripping out the lyrics.

They did the same to America's You Can Do Magic.

Unfortunately for the DW, I knew the words.

I serenade The Bean with the song. This does not help matters in the least.

"You can do magic," I sing. "You can have anything that you desire."

The DW was getting perturbed.

"You know darn well, when you cast your spell, you get your way..."

"You're not helping," warns the DW.

The Bean was digging this. Her Daddy is serenading her with a song about how she will get anything she wants. And she wants a Frosty.

I am giggling uncontrollably. The Bean will be getting her frozen dairy whether she eats her chicken nuggets or not. This is, perhaps, not the best parenting technique. But her eyes have grown expanded from pretty blue orbs into really, really big pretty blue orbs. She probably doesn't enjoy my singing voice, but her 4-year-old mind is wrapped around the lyrics.

"Do you really want her to grow up thinking," the DW chides, "that all she has to do is smile and her Daddy will give in to her every whim?"

Well, yes.

"Fine," the DW concedes.

As if on cue, the song ends and the Eagles follow.

Pretty (sic) girls just seem to find out early
How to open doors with just a smile...

That Bean. She is going to make some poor sap miserable.

And he'll have her Daddy to blame.