Anyone for Tennis?

As always, the cast of characters -

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 5
The Darling Wife

Our girls love tennis.  And it's a good thing.

Tennis occurs around 4:00 on Friday afternoons.  The DW and I and all the neighbors sit in lawn chairs and watch the girls attempt (with little success) to hit gently tossed balls over the net.

But 4:00 on a Friday afternoon means something even more important to the parents.

Happy Hour.

We all bring coolers loaded with beer and vino and leave loaded with beer and vino.

It's a good thing they like tennis.  They'd have to play it anyway.

The Bean isn't especially good at tennis.  We think she likes wearing the cute pink outfits more than chasing the balls.

The Butterfly isn't particularly good either.  She struggles to make contact and when she does, she's lucky if it rolls all the way to the net.  This is odd because The Butterfly is as strong as Bam Bam Rubble.

I invite myself onto the court where Coach Debbie isn't visibly frustrated.  She tosses balls and the kids pick them up.  Not a bad deal considering.

I suggest that maybe The Butterfly might be left-handed and suggest that Coach Debbie toss the balls to her other side.

SMACK!!!

I rest my case.

Almost Famous

Our cast of characters:

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 5
The Darling Wife

Sunday was my birthday and The Darling Wife planned an outing for me to see the Gwinnett Braves - the AAA affiliate of the Atlanta Braves.

Needless to say, I was pretty psyched. I'm a huge baseball fan and what is the worst that could happen bringing two girls under 8 to a minor league baseball game?

Hmmm...

Baseball is not necessarily something The Bean and The Butterfly are into. I think it ranks somewhere below eating vegetables.

However, a baseball stadium is a veritable cornucopia of junk food. A horn-o-plenty of stale popcorn. Handfuls of multicolored cotton candy. The obligatory ice cream sandwich. And some sort of sugar water.

Can you say sugar high? Followed by sugar crash?

Wisely, we stashed them in the row behind us, so they could annoy the elderly couple who still keeps score by hand.

Admittedly, sitting in the sun for 3 hours watching two minor league teams score a total of three runs on maybe 6 hits might be a bit mind numbing for even the most avid of fans.

The Bean and The Butterfly are not the most avid of fans.

"Are you having fun?" The Darling Wife asked The Bean.

"I'm bored," she said and put on pink Kate Hudson sunglasses. "I want to go to Taco Mac."

If she didn't already have my heart, she would have earned it then.

The Best Parents in the World

Our cast of characters:

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 5
The Darling Wife
Special Guest Star: Jacky the cat

The Darling Wife and I are the best parents in the world. This is the only reasonable explanation.

How else could we keep a one-year-old Bean happy? How else could we possibly keep her from constantly screaming at the top of her little lungs 24 hours a day, seven or more days a week?

So with a smug sense of satisfaction, the DW and I settle into the sofa to watch something inane.

And we can hear the TV! No crying; no bawling; no singing - nothing but silence.

Silence? Uh, oh.

We scramble through the house and at last find the Bean and her accomplice eating Butterscotch chips off the floor in front of the pantry.

How amazingly unsanitary.

Better take a picture first.

You're Not Coming to my Birthday Party

Our cast of characters:

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 5
The Darling Wife

The single greatest threat a child can give another is denying attendance to one's birthday party.

You see, kids dig birthday parties. They dig the cake and ice cream. They dig running around and destroying the unfortunate parents house. They dig any clown that can paint faces or make balloon animals.

And, with apologies to John Lennon and Paul McCartney, they dig a pony.

Being banned from birthday festivities is about as terrible as it gets.

So what happens when a sibling refuses to invite the other?

Dig if you will a picture: The Bean and the Butterfly playing quietly together amid giggles and sudden screams.

"That's mine! I want it back! You're not coming to my birthday party!"

How does it work when a sibling gets the disinvite to the party.

I guess I have until October 11 to figure that out.

The Butterfly Effect

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 5
The Darling Wife

So why is she called 'The Butterfly'?

It's called chaos theory.

A butterfly flaps its wings in China setting off a seemingly random chain of events in my house.

Example:

Me: Do you want pizza tonight?

The Bean: Yes!

The Butterfly: Nooooo! (and she runs into the living room and cries on a pillow).

Flap, flap.

Me: But you love pizza

The Butterfly: I hate pizza. Pizza is stupid.

The Next Day -

Me: Do you want pizza tonight?

The Bean: Yes!

The Butterfly: Yes! And can we sing 'Don't Go Back to Rockville' while we wait?

Flap, flap.

So Why is She Called 'The Bean'?

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 5
The Loving Understanding Wife

When The Loving Understanding Wife and I married, we were what was known as 'Dinks' (Double Income No Kids - just another annoying acronym from the '90s). We lived the high life - expensive dinners, travel to Napa Valley and all the wine we could drink.

We knew we wanted kids. We wanted kids in five years.

Which was fine. Especially, considering it was a rolling five years - it was five years away and would always be five years away.

Then one day, we switched to a rolling two years. Then it was a rolling one year - which was also fine.

Then it was THAT DAY.

A friend who had already taken plunge assured me that once we started trying, it would take 1-2 years for anything to happen.

Apparently, The Loving Understanding Wife didn't get that memo.

So at the first ultrasound, before they can determine the gender, we got our picture of the baby-to-be.

Didn't so much look like a baby.

Sort of looked like a Bean.

Life Imitating Art

Again our cast of characters -

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 5
The Loving Understanding Wife

About an hour after I'd finished Daddy I Want to go to the Beach, I was supposed to take the Bean and the Butterfly to eat at our favorite (read closest) Mexican restaurant, La Parilla. This usually involves the girls eating cheese dip for dinner; however, recently The Bean has started eating refried beans. Go figure.

In the book, the main character (Lily) won't go to the beach until her sandals, her Mermaid Barbi, her swim goggles, etc are found. By the Daddy. Lily waits and paints her toes while the Daddy looks high and low for Lily's belongings (she doesn't feel the need to help).

Lily is based loosely on The Bean. However, in this instance, it is The Butterfly's turn at bat.

Get this: I announce that it's time to get in the minivan (the convertible is in the shop, I swear.) The Bean is all excited. She dashes to the garage and proceeds to strap herself into her car seat (yeah, they grow up so fast, but it can be very convenient).

But The Butterfly throws a fit. She doesn't like the dress she's wearing. She wants the one that Grammy got her. She shrugs when I ask what it looks like.

So we go through her closet and the laundry room. I don't have a clue what I'm looking for, but somehow we find it.

Get your Crocs, I say. Let's go, I say.

No!

Crocs are stupid. I want my sandals. SANDALS!!!

Stop me if this sounds familiar.

The Butterfly proceeds to sit on the floor and not help. So The Bean (she's come back inside wondering WTF) and I do a room-by-room search for sandals.

We finally find them and go off for a wonderful meal of beans, cheese dip and Margaritas.

And I've determined to only write happy, non-confrontational things from now on.