Monday, November 23, 2009

Getting Mad About the Mouse

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife
The Buffett Puppy

The DW has gotten a bee in her bonnet that we are blowing off Thanksgiving this year and going to see the Mouse. 

The Bean and The Butterfly will be so excited!  They will jump up and down!  They will give us three cheers!  Hip, hip, hooray!!!




Not right.

The Bean immediately asks if we can bring Buffett.  We tell her "No, Buffett will be staying at Grammy's house.  The Bean's eyes swell.  She starts to cry.

The Butterfly is confused by the arrangement.  She thinks we are leaving right then.  She disappears upstairs to pack.

We explain that we won't be leaving for, like, a week.


The Bean is now over the dog and is concentrating on the number of days we'll be there.  We say 3 and she's furious.  She wants 5.

Grammy has an expression she likes to toss around - "Ungrateful wretch".  Fitting, no?

The DW has had about enough of this.  She collars up Buffett and disappears into the night rain.  The storm outside is nothing compared to the one brewing at our dinner table.

And I'm left with two "ungrateful wretches".  I send them to their respective rooms.  It's Monday and I have football to watch.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Drop Dead Gorgeous Part II

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife
The Buffett Puppy

Guest starring Grammy and Grumps

The DW and I convinced The Bean to wear the pretty polka dot dress for the Nordstrom Fashion Show.  She looked, of course, amazing.  The Butterfly looked amazing as well.

Now would there be any unexpected catastrophes to unhinge the festivities?

Not really.

Many of the children had issues with the Catwalk.  Some cried.  Some hid.  Some were too frightened to prance along the Red Carpet.  One wouldn't leave the Red Carpet until she'd strutted her stuff 3 times.

The Butterfly in her Blue Cheetah dress was all business.  She marched up and back down, blowing a single kiss to the DW as she returned behind the curtain.

The Bean walked out slowly, arm-in-arm with a crying girl.  She hugged her and essentially drug her along the path.  She did manage more than a few hair flips and and executed a perfect U-Turn at the end of the carpet.  Her companion ceased her tears and wiggled along to the safety of the curtain.

So, nothing funny happened.  A shame, really.

I was in a state of shock.  How did The Bean manage to smile and wave at the crowd without pitching a fit?

The Bean learned a valuable lesson about being a child runway model.  "You don't have to be happy," she explained.  "You just have to pretend to be happy."

In the end, she liked the dress.  And Grammy and Grumps were there to make sure she got to keep it.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Drop Dead Gorgeous Part I

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife
The Buffett Puppy

Before I get started on this blog, I would like to thank all those who have become my readership.  Daddy I Want... just exceeded 500 Facebook Fans.  I am speechless.

Enough of that.

I am really good at picking out clothes.  When I shop with the DW, it is me who scours the racks, pulling multiple colors and sizes, then finding matching accessories.  I pick out nearly all her clothes.

The good ones, anyway.


So on Wednesday, I was presented with a new challenge - picking out clothes for The Bean and The Butterfly.  They are supposed to be in a fashion show at Nordstrom, so they must look their best.

Am I becoming one of those Stage Moms, er, Dads?

I pick a navy blue dress a subdued leopard print for The Butterfly.  She looks amazing in it.  She says she looks like a Blue Cougar.  I convince her that a Blue Cheetah might be more age appropriate.

For The Bean, I spy a brown strapless with a lilac polka dot pattern.  Unfortunately, her heart is set on a pink dress.  It's the kind of dress that a bridesmaid might wear.  If 2nd graders could get married, she'd be ready to raise a Champagne flute of Sprite.

She likes Sprite.  It fizzes.

She does not, it seems, like polka dots.  When pressed for a reason, she counters with "They're not pink!".

The DW steps in.  She talks to the lady at Nordstrom about maybe The Bean could wear the bridesmaid dress instead.  

The Nordstrom lady says - - - - - "No."

The Bean hits the Catwalk tomorrow morning.  As of right now, she doesn't know she'll be modeling a dress she hates.

Stay tuned for Part II.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Daddy I Want My Tooth Back

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife
The Buffett Puppy

The Bean returned from school the other day as pleased as she could be. She showed me a small red box.  Then, she showed me the contents of the box.

The Bean has lost a tooth.  A canine,I think.  I don't know much Biology.  Or much about the French I took, for that matter.

When the DW comes home, The Bean is all smiles and pulling down her lip to highlight the new vacancy.

"I'm going to put this under my pillow," she announces, "and the Tooth Fairy will come and give me money."

The Bean and The Butterfly get off to bed, and now the scheming begins.

"OK, give me some money," says the DW.  "It's time for the Tooth Fairy's visit."

I give her a look like a cartoon character without any money.  

She sighs.  "All I have is a twenty.  The Bean is not getting a twenty.  The tooth market is inflated enough as it is.

She has a very good point.  The Bean and The Butterfly each get five dollars.  Back in my day, I got a dollar.  My parents were the proud recipient of a quarter.

I'm guessing their parents received a warm handshake.

So, we do the unthinkable.  We snatch the tooth and replace it with a handwritten note.  A Tooth Fairy IOU.

The next morning, The Bean brings me the paper and asks what an IOU is.

I explain that the Tooth Fairy must have run out of money and will be back tonight to "settle up".

The Bean is unimpressed.  She wants her tooth back.


Monday, November 2, 2009

Worst. Halloween. Ever.

As always - The Cast of Characters

Me (The Daddy)
The Bean: Age 7
The Butterfly: Age 6
The Darling Wife
The Buffett Puppy

And guest starring, Halloween Griswold

The Bean has a thing for Halloween.  She always wants to be the villain.  Last year, she frightened the boys as Catwoman.  

This year, she opted for the White Witch of Narnia.  Why a cute little seven-year-old would opt for such an obscure costume is not exactly beyond me.  I dressed as Alex DeLarge from A Clockwork Orange a few years back.

I temporarily glued my eye shut while applying a false eyelash.

But I digress.

The Bean dons the costume, complete with evil wand.

The DW fashions a crown out of poster board.  This raises The Bean's height to about five-and-a-half feet tall. 

She is scary.  And nothing can scare her.

Except for possibly our neighbor.  He takes Halloween seriously as well.  Imagine Clark Griswold from Christmas Vaction, except he is trying to outdo his neighbors with Halloween decorations.

He has built a Haunted House in his front lawn, complete with chainsaw killers, axe murderers, strobe lights and a smoke machine.

Yes, a freaking smoke machine.

This already isn't the greatest Halloween night of all time.  It is raining cats and dogs.  The Trick-or-Treat baskets get filled with water, and the Bean's crown is soaked, causing it to droop over her eyes.

We arrive at the Haunted House and it becomes pretty clear, pretty fast that The Bean has no interest in going inside.  Halloween Griswold is at the entrance, decked out in a full body gorilla suit and skull mask.

This scares The Butterfly greatly.  She ain't going inside.  

We ask The Bean to accompany her little sister in, but The Bean is crying hysterically.  Her white makeup is running down her face.

She is inconsolable.  Halloween Griswold steps outside and removes his mask.  This, for some reason, does not seem to help.

The Bean's mean old Daddy won't let her have any candy unless she goes through, so we abandon this stop.

After about an hour, The Bean finally stops crying.  She wants to try again, but only if I go with her, and only if I yell at Halloween Griswold.

So we try again.  This time Halloween Griswold leaps through the door and startles The Fragile Bean.

More tears + more rain = Sad Bean.

Years from now, she will be talking to a therapist about the Worst. Halloween. Ever.